Soothing, Healing Love: My Journey with Injury

September 21, 2021

It was a simple movement. Something I’ve done many times. My patient went to fall away from me, I leaned forward, I caught her. I thought I had her, so my body relaxed. She kept falling. She’s a small, spunky little girl. My cat-like, ninja reflexes kicked in and I stopped her fall, again. Lurched forward, again.

That’s when I felt it. I couldn’t stand up. My back was preventing me from this. I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t stand.

I remember learning about work-related back injuries in physical therapy school. I have treated individuals for their back injuries. I just didn’t think it’d be me. I thought this was reserved for older men, construction workers, fathers (sorry for the stereotyping)… Not me! I was training for a half marathon. I’ve been taking care of myself.

Immediately, the thoughts of “What did I do wrong?” came flooding to me. Was I too stressed? Was I not stretching enough? Was I not… enough in general? Blaming myself was easy. Moving through the shame/blame cycle and coming to the other side has been the journey, the healing, the softening I’ve needed to be gentle with myself and simply focus on healing.

The thing is, we can’t control many things in life. I got injured and it’s really that simple. I cannot go back to the past and undo any contributing factors, change the situation that caused the pain. However, I can move forward. Move through this. And heal, deeply.

Healing is not linear, my friends. This is only the beginning of the story.

The first few days were a blur. I simply tried to feel comfortable, not truly accepting the nature of my injury. Feeling a wave of unknowns:

When will I be able to stand up fully? How long will it take to heal? When can I begin working again?

I felt so many people flooding to me to support, yet in my mind, I was becoming so small. I was pushed to Occupational Health in a wheelchair because I could not stand or walk.

Is this how my patients feel?

It truly can feel so isolating, so lonely.

People reach out, people care. But how am I to feel okay through all this pain, all this suffering? Am I a burden to others? They have to care so much for me, how can I repay them when I feel so weak?

Every morning, I let my body rest. I’m entirely confident my bed has magical healing powers. I woke slowly, found my way to my meditation cushion and just… sat. I sat and sat and tapped and tapped. Waves and waves of emotion, physical sensations, washing over me.

My cousin came over to watch a movie with me. My man moved in. I felt physical support, from people I love, all around me. They reminded me it’s okay to be healing. I am doing all I can. I am doing a good job.

It’s the younger part of myself that needed this encouragement, the part of me that feels shame for not being productive in the eyes of someone else. What if I only need to be productive for myself? Better yet, what if I don’t need to be productive at all?

Over the course of a few days, the pain eased up. I was able to stand fully. I was able to transition to laying on my stomach, without additional pain in my back.

When the pain began to subside, I was not distracted from other thoughts rising in my mind.

The shame creeped in more.

Now that I was feeling better, it was time to be productive. I could do some art, I should work on my Etsy shoppe, I could write, I should start studying for an examination. I could, I should, I could, I should.

Waves of “could” and “should” washed over me.

Meanwhile, I was still healing.

I am still healing.

I received gentle reminders — What if all you have to do is heal?

This felt like a lonely burden at first. How am I to heal myself? What will it even look like? What is possible? What is my potential?

What if all you have to do is heal?

Every day, things feel different. Things shift. SHI(F)T happens. I aim to approach each moment with curiosity. What will I be capable of today? How can I support myself today? How can I show myself love today? Oh, that’s interesting, I think as I can bend back further. Oh, that’s so encouraging how I can do a baby cobra. What about a little yoga sequence? Hm, that feels good.

Every day, I move through different worries. New shame. I don’t shove them down, because fear is real. It’s a valid emotion. I feel it, I welcome it, and then I rise.

Feel Everything And Rise.

Feel it. Breathe it. Let it go.

Pema Chödrön teaches to touch our thoughts gently, like touching a feather to a bubble. Let your thoughts be the bubbles, don’t judge them, just gently touch them.

What if all I have to do is heal?

I open my laptop to do a yoga video. Yoga With Adriene invites me to do a comforting yoga sequence. I start to do it. I breathe, sitting on the floor, alongside someone I don’t even know and I don’t feel as alone. I breathe in. Let it go.

Then my laptop starts to update and the yoga video is interrupted. It’s stopped. I can’t get the update to stop, I can’t get back to the yoga video. My breath tightens, my frustration rises. Why is everything so difficult!? I want to slam my laptop closed, blame it for the burden. Blame, shame, blame, shame.

I was finally feeling good. I was able to move. And I was interrupted.

After the waves of frustration washed over me, through me, I stopped. I remembered why I am here.

What if all I have to do is heal?

What if I could listen to myself, to find what feels good, to do what my body needs. I don’t need someone else to tell me how to feel good, I have myself. I have anchoring in my breath. I surrender to this moment, this opportunity for freedom of expression. This opportunity to connect with myself.

I let my laptop update, forgiving it for being so rude and interrupting my flow. I find a yoga flow that feels good for me. No pressure. Just me and my yoga mat. Myself, my body, my mind.

What if all I have to do is heal?

When the shame and blame cycle rises, I speak it, to release it.

I feel so supported. I am constantly reminded by loved ones it’s okay to be selfish right now, it’s okay to spend the time to take care of myself. It’s okay if that looks different every day.

What if all I have to do is heal?

Finding what feels good is an ongoing journey. It’s a meeting of myself with the moment. It’s a friendliness towards myself I want to cultivate every day.

This wound, this pain, is a portal to the tenderness in my heart.

This physical discomfort is a mirror into my mental discomfort. It’s a portal to access new depths of healing, new ways of seeing.

With the welcoming of a new season, my favorite season, I am following these feelings. I am allowing each moment to transition seamlessly into the next. I am welcoming ongoing healing, welcoming all this is teaching me.

I am forever grateful for the tools I have access to for healing. I will continue on this journey with faith, love, compassion, and gentleness. I can, and I will.

Five things I am grateful for right now, at this stage in my healing process:

1. My partner, Justin, for offering endless compassion, reminders, and support. Lifting all the heavy things. Reminding me it’s okay to heal. Reminding me I’m not selfish or a burden. Providing prescriptions for EFT, meditation. Providing endless support.
2. My family and friends who reach out and care, truly, about how I am doing. Not because they need me to feel better so they can stop worry about me. Not because I am a burden. But because they care. I feel your love, I feel your support.
3. My work for being understanding and supportive. There are many unpredicatble things in life and I know stress can creep in all areas. I am grateful for feeling like I have the time to heal.
4. Tapping videos on YouTube, most specifically Tapping with Brad Yates. Even MORE specifically, Tapping for Inflammation and Loving Your Fearful Self.
5. Daily meditation and journaling practices, so I can Feel Everything And Rise. So I can connect to myself, feel my emotions, and continue to heal in every way.

Every day, in every way, I am getting better, better, and better.

Purchase and download my “Self Care Rituals” worksheet from my Etsy shoppe below!